Healing the Sister Wound: My Experience with Ayahuasca

The following excerpt is a hopeful attempt to recollect my first experience sitting with the Peruvian jungle medicine, Ayahuasca. This journey took place in August of 2015, and to sit down and remember it now is like revisiting a dream from so long ago. But they say once you drink from this cup, the medicine stays with you forever, so I am considering this another session with the ancient plant teacher, also known as the vine of the soul.

After feeling the call and researching this hallucinogenic, vision inducing, supposedly healing brew from the Amazon, a series of events lead me to the right group of people conducting a circle just a few miles from my house. It was a temperate summer day, with a full moon scheduled in the sky. I had emotions of excitement and dread filling my stomach. Luckily, my mother was extremely supportive and open minded, so I was able to share with her the journey I was about to undergo. They say Ayahuasca can dig up the deep dirt of the psyche, the kinds of issues that play out in multiple areas of life, to be revealed and healed. Although I have always had a relatively positive outlook on life with a focus on happiness and self development, I have also given a lot of energy to negative beliefs and a seriously self defeating attitude. I had some deep pondering to do. During this summer, I had willingly swept myself up into some drama involving lovers, friends, romance, and the ideas of betrayal and hate. A huge theme in my life has revolved around comparing myself to others and not feeling worthy and whole. Not much more than a day before ceremony, I found out that not one, but two of my previous partners new relations, and acquaintances of mine, would also be attending this full moon, Venus retrograde, intense medicine circle. Needless to say, I was nervous, but knew this could be a powerful opportunity for redemption and healing. The relationship I had with the particular man involved wasn’t ugly per se, but was not properly closed and sealed, by my own poor judgement. I wrote a letter to the Spirit of Ayahuasca, explaining the fear of confronting these women, my shadow and the inner demons of judgement and shame. I knew there was great potential for things to blow up in my face, but the time had come to face my dark side!

Nestled in the hills of Topanga Canyon, I decided to sit in circle for two nights in a row instead of just one. It was a gorgeous setting. A huge geodesic dome in between hills and trees with vibrant tapestries, pillows, blankets, crystals, a sacred center altar, and an array of stunning priestesses organizing the whole thing. I created my little comfort zone in the circle with my giant quilted blanket and purge bucket. On the first night I was happy to see some familiar faces and although I was afraid to interact with one particular female, I decided to reach out in a private conversation and create the space for honesty and communication. Without going into unnecessary details, this individual and I shared a similar story, and found comfort in each other’s mutual pain. Round one began with some small tears and slight visuals. I had brief revelations about my relationship with my mother, our karma, my fear of her death, and the trend of addiction and martyrdom in our family tree. Nothing I didn’t already sense, so I was almost disappointed with the work of the medicine. No throw up? No visions? No connecting to God herself? Of course this was just the prepping, marinating, and initiation into the actual vortex of death and rebirth that would come on the following night. Although I didn’t really feel it, Ayahuasca was coursing quickly through my veins, and setting the stage for a grand finale.

We all spent the following day sharing our experiences in circle, eating fruit and drinking water. Now that I had an idea of the feeling of Ayahuasca, I set stronger intentions of diving deep into the emotional waters that truly held me in habitual suffering and self criticism. This would also be the night of facing my self created sister-turned-enemy story. While it seemed petty on the surface, I knew the root of this pain was held in place by the illusion of separation, my need to dominate, and ultimately my longing for acceptance. This was a perfectly orchestrated play by the hands of my higher self, and I was ready to face the lies.

Here’s where it gets fuzzy, scary, dreamlike, and reminiscent on the writings of J.R.R. Tolkien. Three cups of this potent elixir in, my ears became hot and started to buzz. I could hear the flapping of wings behind me. Whispers, chants, and a heightened sense of energy were exceedingly overwhelming. Did we invoke Isis herself? Are these medicine keepers capable of conducting a safe circle? What the fuck is that sound behind me? It was night time, and it went from comfortable to dark and cold very quickly. The feeling started at the base of my spine. This sludge of energy was stirring in my gut. I knew the time to purge was approaching, but it was hard to embrace the discomfort of throwing up. I turned my head and saw a row of Jedi Priestesses. They were all sitting up so tall and erect, they looked like pillars. Ready and willing to face the wall of shadow, together. In an attempt to move this thick energy through my body, I started to undulate. Moving like a snake, I began hissing and slithering in my seat. Although it was intimidating and frightening, I felt supported by this serpent energy. The first flow of purge was subtle and not as bad as I thought. But of course, as the feeling got going, I was soon violently pushing out the bile of toxic emotions. I was crying hysterically as I reminisced on the emotional stabs of pain I had been self inflicting, and the ways in which I was projecting onto people in my life. I heard the screams of other sisters in the circle, and I can tell you it sounded like the dying moans of Gaia herself. The collective womb of the feminine was present on this night, and we were up for review upon the ways in which we treat ourselves, each other, and the Great Mother herself. My supposed adversary was sitting across the circle from me, triggering that which I knew I needed to work on. I called out her name to confess my agony, but fate took my words away from her ears and she left the circle. Although a miscommunication, the rejection hit me in the stomach - hard. Feelings of abandonment and betrayal enhanced themselves in my memories. I crumbled into myself and felt so alone, writhing in my tears, vomit and blood. Did I mention that I had just started my moon cycle seconds before this ceremony began? The other sister in which I had bonded with before the ceremony saw this interaction and came to my aid. In that moment I knew that if anyone in the world could feel what I was feeling, it was her. Our suffering was amplified and healed in the presence of each other. Upon feeling accepted and understood, I then realized I never wanted anyone, friend or “enemy” to ever feel that level of heart break. I then felt a cosmic connection to the man involved in this somewhat sticky situation. All the human feelings of jealousy and possession were very small in comparison to the universal feeling of oneness and unconditional love.

The Shamanic leaders holding the container began the songs known as Icaros that changed my life. I felt the sounds activating the medicine, striking these feelings that words can hardly describe. It was the strongest contrast of emotion I have ever felt. A debilitating feeling of surrender engulfed me as I literally crawled on my hands and knees to the center altar, where our collective symbols of love and power created a beam of light in the center of the dome. I looked to my right and saw my supportive sister on her hands and knees at the altar as well. The pain in her was the pain in me. The love in her was the love in me. I then began the process of forgiveness. Forgiving myself for all the judgement, all the hate, all the shame. Then forgiving others for their own insecurities, struggles, and projections. After this round of medicine, song, and purge started to smooth out, I drank a fourth cup. I was ready to scrape the density away and feel the true liberation and strength of my spirit. My heart blasted open and my mind exploded into new levels of awareness so quickly that I became dizzy from shifting dimensions. I could feel my blood flowing, the particles of my body expanding and contracting, the creation and destruction of physical matter, the fractals of light and color, the faces and energy of every living thing on the planet. I remember thinking “Wow, this is what the Creator must feel like. No wonder humans can’t handle this shit all the time!” It was EXHAUSTING and EXHILARATING. And of course with the light comes the dark and I was soon purging again, feeling the cramps of ego resistance and death.

It came in waves, the love and the pain. As soon as I thought a purge was done I was falling over again, unable to differentiate between levels of reality. Thank GOD/DESS for the space holders, the mothers, the caretakers, the embodiment of love and devotion who cared for me and the other sisters. At the times when I didn’t know what I needed, I was so deeply nurtured that I knew it was safe to continue through the trenches. I decided to take a step outside, into the cold dampness of the moonlit night, and ground in to the land around me. It had also been several hours at this point and I had not yet emptied my moon cup of its blood or gone to the bathroom. Here’s where the ego really dies. I couldn’t even take my fucking pants off to pee, I had to be assisted by a caretaker. My clothes and body felt invaded by this prickling energy, sharpness from thorns and plants all around me. I felt punched in the stomach by nature herself. I equated this feeling to that of Mother Earth, constantly invaded, raped, and disrespected. I toppled over to vomit again, and my caretaker went to get new clothes for me. I offered my blood to the land and apologized for my lack of care and guardianship of the planet. After this personal ceremony and the changing of my clothes, I started to feel centered again. Upon returning to the dome, beautiful visions of snakes and jaguars, flowing rivers of light, and small fire devas of ignition where swirling around me. The sisters next to me shapeshifted into their elemental counterparts and it was a scene straight out of a Lord of the Rings movie. I looked at my own body parts and thought I might literally turn into a bird and fly away if I didn’t keep some kind of conscious connection to my corporeal existence.

The main leader of the ceremony had mentioned earlier that we all have a song to sing, and that to offer our own voice in prayer will help the medicine move through us. I was lying on my side trying to comfort myself and go to sleep when this voice moved through me. It did not sound like my own, but the gorgeous voice of an elder woman. She was singing words and chants I have never heard, and it felt like different parts of my vocal chords where being activated. I was shocked and honored, and out of all the beauty and terror of that night, this stood out the most. It was the closest connection I felt with the Spirit of Ayahuasca and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly communicate what happened through me in this moment.

I swam in and out of visions until the sun came up. The biggest swell of relief and triumph filled my heart and it was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. We had made it through the fires of spiritual purification and I was ready to step into my power as a woman. An immense clarity and deep knowing had taken the place of confusion and auto pilot. I had physically and energetically released so much debris, I felt so light I could levitate. The immense beauty from the visions kept playing on repeat in my mind, and I couldn’t help but cry throughout the whole morning from this heightened sensitivity.

The sharing circle and huge feast awaited us. This was one of the best meals of my life! A cornucopia of healthy snacks and meals, blessed by our intentions and gratitude along with purified water, and a new found outlook on life. As the stories of experience began, the same roller coaster of the medicine took me through the high peaks and sunken valleys of my entire karmic history. I later found out that someone had accidentally added mushroom chocolates to the breakfast feast which explained why I was feeling unintentionally delicate and gooey. I was sitting at the closing end of the circle, so I would be the last one to share. Heavy topics of deception and treason came up, with special attention to the interplay of masculine and feminine energies present in each of our lives. I felt like I was sitting in some ancient council with Oracles of Delphi, observing the collective wounds of every female in his-story. The symbolic lessons and archetypal energy of Mary Magdalene, Yeshua, and Judas were being channeled through our dialogue. The pain in my womb returned and I was once again crying as If I were the Magdalene herself, feeling the betrayal of humanity and the ultimate stab in the back. By the time it was my turn to share I felt so drained of emotion and energy, all I could muster up was the importance to Know Thyself and watch who you trust. There is so much more story and character than I am revealing in this moment, mainly because it is the lesson and feeling I integrated that is more important than perpetuating limiting stories and accusations. Shortly after our female council ended, a group of men from the land entered the geodesic dome, some partners of the women themselves. They sat in the center of the circle and our conversation reminded me of the ancient Hawaiian prayer of forgiveness, “Ho’opono’pono;” Thank you, I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me. It was a profound moment of reverence and redemption, as if we were rewriting history, or at least paving a different future of balance and respect.

Years after this strange ordeal and I am still figuring out the lessons from that night. It has taken a lot of time and space to integrate these frequencies of understanding, and there is no doubt that I have more work ahead of me. I do know that Ayahuasca helped me to see myself and others from new vantage points, and made a whole lot of room for self love and passion. There is a tangible thirst for life after you feel like you are going to die, as well as a period of mourning for those aspects of the facade lost to the fires of truth. Many opportunities opened up for me almost right away, avenues in which I could express myself spiritually and be supported financially. There is more love in my life for myself and others than ever before. I can still hear the whispers of the medicine once in a while, especially when I listen to the songs played on that night or when I fall back into criticism and doubt. I do believe I will sit in circle again when the time is right, perhaps even in the jungles of Peru. This is one epic journey I am on, and I will do my best to honor the sacred path of heart.

For all of this I can whole heartedly say - Thank You Plant Medicine.

Disclaimer: I want to highlight that my experience shared in this blog post is solely based on my personal account with Ayahuasca. It is crucial to approach Ayahuasca with caution and respect as it is a potent and sacred plant medicine. Please note that my experience is not representative of everyone's encounter with Ayahuasca. If you are considering an Ayahuasca journey, it is essential to conduct thorough research, seek recommendations from trusted sources, and engage with experienced and reputable shamans or facilitators who have a deep understanding of the medicine. Prior to participating in an Ayahuasca ceremony, it is important to consult with a medical professional, especially if you have a history of mental health conditions, heart conditions, high blood pressure, or if you are taking certain medications. It is also crucial to disclose any pre-existing medical conditions and medications to the facilitators to ensure your safety. It is worth noting that Ayahuasca can lead to intense and challenging experiences that may involve physical, emotional, and psychological discomfort. Being mentally prepared and open to confronting deep-seated emotions and traumas is crucial. Integration of the experience after the ceremony is an important part of the healing process. Lastly, please remember that this blog post does not serve as medical or professional advice. It is always recommended to consult with a qualified healthcare professional or an experienced Ayahuasca practitioner for personalized guidance and to address any specific concerns or questions before embarking on an Ayahuasca journey. Approach Ayahuasca responsibly and with proper guidance to ensure a safe and transformative experience.